Disappointment. I remember disappointment.
There were people I wanted to trust, people I hadn't really known that long, with their jack-in-the-box personalities that broke out into unexpected abandonment followed with profession of devotion.
The weight of placing people in the past cannot be compared.
It's tendrils, it's tentacles, it's whispery black fingers stretched over my heart and into my muscles and tunneled through my veins til I felt hopelessly blue while trudging through gray.
Survival. I remember survival.
The hustle from activity to appointment to apprenticeship to appreciation luncheon.
I could not tell day from day for all the blinding writing that blurred the lines between calendar dates.
Canning feelings into jars, placing them on the shelf for when I had time to digest them.
Taking the jars down, realizing the feelings had spoiled with time and were no longer mine to keep.
Smiling. I remember smiling.
Seeping in like summer sun, revealing dimples, releasing rambunctious peals of delight.
Smiles he gave me at the price of selflessness, focus, friendliness, patience, persistence.
Joy. I remember joy.
Joy abundant as tomatoes in a green thumb's garden in August.
Joy invigorating like an unexpected jazz band's tunes swooping through a cityscape after a delicious meal.
Joy like jellybeans swallowed in satisfaction after a swiping them off the board in a successful round of Bingo.
Joy like finding your keys just in time to still make it to that interview.
Joy like reading a book and finishing feeling like the author's your long lost friend.
Joy like tying your shoes for the first time without help.
Joy like holding someone's hand, and joy because it's not uncomfortable--you're two souls that care for each other sincerely.
Joy like tears over an altar.
Joy when that first infant cry.
Joy when our lives become our life.
Sad... disappointment... survival... they may come again.
But smiling and joy will too, and those two make every season worthwhile.
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