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Where'd You Go? Explaining My Writing Demons, and Expressing a Hope to Thwart Them

It's been a hot minute.
I haven't posted anything, because quite frankly, I've been afraid to write.

My writer self looks gaunt in the face and weepy for neglect. She has so many beautiful ideas and at least thrice weekly she has a brilliant subject for a blog post or journal entry. But, admittedly, she's been held captive by my insecurity demons, those brutes who whisper bitter nothings...

Sometimes they attack my artistic side: "you can't post a recipe. You don't even have a picture, and if you did take a picture, you just have a smart phone camera. That photo would look pathetic. What a newbie  you'll look like next to your favorite gorgeous food blogs like 'cooking classy' and 'six sisters stuff' ... or ... "you think you're a poet? Bah. Half your poems don't even have matching syllables from line to line. Your imagery is weak and your ideas are all over the place. What are you even trying to convey? They'll never get it." 

More serious and complex attacks come in regards to my insights, values, and personal struggles, mocking me with: "how can you possibly write about your struggles with the pains of pregnancy when so many people are trying to get pregnant? Yes, you struggled to conceive your first baby, but compared to other women and their strength and struggle, you don't hold a candle. Buck up, you insensitive jerk. What good would that post ever do?" or "who are you to talk about how to foster a happy marriage? You've only been married four years. You have no legitimate experience. And think of the damage you're doing to people who read your posts who would love to have a happy relationship. Why can't you just be quiet about it?"

Most painfully, the demons batter my faith and discourage me from sharing my beliefs in Jesus Christ: "How pious you are! No wonder you've always been considered the goody-goody" or "do you realize how hypocritical this sounds?" or "do you REALLY believe that?" or "do you really think that sharing this is going to help anybody?"

Sometimes, friends, I'm strong, and I don't listen to this negative self-talk that creeps in from out of the blue. I can piece together the truth and discard the lies, and I write.

But sometimes--most recently--I've had a hard time with it, battering myself with what-if's.
What if I have hurt someone's feelings with one of my blog posts?
What if I do make someone feel isolated or alone by expressing my joys and successes?
What if I hinder someone's progress by sharing my own?
What if sharing my struggles makes others focus on the negative, instead of the positive? Does sharing my difficulties send off an ungrateful vibe? Do I even deserve to share, when so many people suffer trials far more catastrophic than mine?
What if, by sharing my beliefs, I turn someone away from the gospel because they feel I'm not genuine?

This morning I fell prey to one of those demon-listening sessions for a little while, and my heart hurt HARD. Then, in answer to a prayer I didn't even know I had really prayed, I felt a nudge from heaven:
GO READ YOUR BLOG.

I went back and I read about 7 entries while my toddler napped. And reading them, reading my words? Guys, It was like drinking ice-water after a summertime hike, like tasting Cafe Río after 14 months in South America, like getting a hug from my sweetheart after a long day, like my Mom and Dad saying they're proud of me. I felt happy. I felt relieved. I felt like myself again.

I've come to realize this morning a hard truth: my human experience is different from everyone else's. There are people I love who will suffer things I can never understand. There are tragedies I won't face and tragedies I will face. I will make comments that may be naive and insensitive. Even when I try to sensitively approach a topic of any variety, I'll fall short. I am not perfect and I will not ever be perfect in this life. There are things I will write that are meant to inspire, but others will interpret as sappy or insignificant or in-genuine or atrocious.

I've also come to realize this morning a BEAUTIFUL truth: there are parts of my human experience that resonate with others' human experiences. I have at least one thing in common with every other individual that walks this planet. There are tragedies we face together, prayers we pray together, hallelujahs we send up together. We can laugh together. There are things I write that can bless other people, and some of those people will turn their sights heavenward as a result. There are things others' write that bring me to tears for feeling God's love for me and inspire me to take action to be a better person. Writing makes me feel vibrant and brings meaning to my life. I am not perfect, but I can become better through the one perfect human that walked this earth: Jesus. Because of Him, there is good and joy and peace and love to be felt in this world. I can repent. I can change. As I follow him--even while stumbling--I can be a part of his joyful work.

So, writing demons, sometimes you have your heyday and wreak havoc on my mind and heart.
But I'm caging you today. I'm caging you today and unleashing my writer girl, because she's a babe, and I love having her in my life, and I'm a better person because of her.

And this, writing, this is something God made me to do.



Comments

  1. You're an amazing writer Mik! And I think that many writers come to a place where they have to be genuine and just let others take them or leave them. You can't please everyone, but you can please yourself! I think the focus should always be on pleasing yourself (and I think you please the Lord in the process) and not necessarily on what others think. Of course, pleasing ourselves in an uplifting manner (and inspiring others) is exactly what Satan would rather you NOT do! A phrase in my patriarchal blessing stands out "if you do not let Satan into your mind, he cannot hurt you at all. Keep focused on the Savior." I know you're a good writer because you sent my Lindy a real live letter that I wish I had before her baptism so that I could have just read that for the "baptism talk!" You have a gift with words and anyone who knows you, knows of your sincerity. Love you!

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  2. This hits close to home. Very close.

    For the record, I LOVE your writing. I appreciate that you share your life experiences, and I love reading about them! I also agree with the previous commentator about your sincerity. It comes through loud and clear!

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